How to Train Your Zombie

How to Train Your Dragon Zombie.

Training Zombies isn’t easy. Oh sure catching one during an outbreak isn’t too hard, and keeping them “alive” is a piece of cake, or survivor as it were. But training them to do anything other than bite your jugular is where it gets tricky.

Zombies aren’t like dogs, everything you know about training a dog pretty much goes out the window when you move up to training Zeds. Dogs like people and normally don’t want to snack on their trainer. Zombies on the other hand, will try to eat your other hand.

So why am I training zombies? Well that’s easy. I’m going to take over the world. Okay okay I know that’s a lofty goal. Most evil genius types start small. You know they take over shopping malls, neighborhoods, and then move on to bigger things, like small towns and third world countries.

Go big or go home, I always say. My name is Darren by the way. I know what you might be thinking. What kind of nefarious evil genius who is planning to take over the world has a name like Darren?

Well you may remember me from my previous appearances in the phenomenally successful story, Zombies or Infected? by Moose1942.

Okay so phenomenally successful might be a slight stretch, but hey plenty of people on the internet read it so… where was I?

Oh yes training zombies. Like I was saying it isn’t easy, especially before an outbreak. Getting a zombie that isn’t just a guy who sits in an easy chair eating Cheese puffs in his mothers basement can be the hard part.

Well I didn’t have that problem; I worked for ZOMBIE INC. No really I swear that’s the company’s name. Zero Overage Medical Biological Industry Engineers. Yeah I know, the owner, who happened to be another evil genius figured hiding in plain sight was a good plan. Well until the zeds ate him that is.

I had just gotten my Mogadishu viral vaccine, two days before the outbreak and I was working in the lab. What was my job you might ask? Well I was given the herculean task of writing the zombie instruction manual. We had ten test subjects in the sub sub basement of our Seattle facility. Yes you guessed it, they were zombies. Well they didn’t start out that way of course.

Zombies don’t breed, well not like mammals do. Papa zombie and mamma zombie don’t love each other, and make a baby zombie. In fact most zombies can’t stand to be around each other really. That’s just one more reason why training zombies can be difficult.
Training one zombie to wait for the best time to jump out and tear into a group of gun toting survivors is made just that much harder when they can’t stop kicking and hitting each other.

This is a vitally important skill, to teach ones infected minions. Seriously, they have such terrible fighting tactics. Rushing down the street without any cover toward five scared and trigger happy survivors wielding twelve gauge shotguns, and automatic rifles is a recipe for disaster, or at least a high infected body count.

I know, when zombies become so plentiful why would one care about taking the time to train them when you can just make more and send them to the meat grinder? Well it’s simple math. If it takes 300 zombies to take down one determined survivor and you’re facing ten survivors, that’s 3,000 zombies required to eliminate them.

I know what you’re saying; the Seattle metro area has over 3.5 million people. You’re going to have plenty of “recruits.” This is true, but at least half of the population is going to escape unscathed, and many will be killed in traffic accidents, shootings, and other non zombie causes. So the actual population of potential “recruits” is much, much lower than 3.5 million. I’d estimate the infected pool to be around half a million. Plus, three thousand infected take up a sizeable space. Why use 3,000 zombies when 300 could do the job if properly trained?

Zombies that wait until after the survivors have passed by and pounce on them from behind tend to be more successful than the straight beeline kind. Now training a zombie, which as we all know is basically a hungry stomach with legs, how to wait when a walking rack of freshly cooked bacon goes by is hard.

The only thing that I found that worked was the judicious application of electric shocks to keep them from moving. These “zombies” are actually people infected with the Mogadishu virus, so electric shocks seem to work rather well. They aren’t undead. I know, I know, some of you may be disappointed, but I’m sorry reanimating something that has ceased all cerebral function is in the realm of fantasy not science.

Stick with me here. This virus is real; this isn’t some fantastical black magic mumbo jumbo. How can anyone could believe in walking dead? It goes against every scientific law that I can think of. Especially the second law of thermodynamics!

Anyway, back to training. Tasers, cattle prods, shock collars and even jumper cables can be used to help you train your minions. To begin training your infected army you’ll need to gather a few things.

Step one:

Find a few good lab assistants, ones you don’t mind if they accidentally get bitten and turned into another zombie. College students from Liberal Arts majors usually work fairly well. Try to get ones that dress all in black and have tried to commit suicide at least once. After a long night of cramming for midterms hopped up on Red Bull, cigarettes and Twinkies they are almost zombies anyway. If they “accidentally” become infected it’s no big loss to the scientific community. Look at some of their “majors.” History, Art, Art History, History of Art, Women’s Studies. I don’t think losing a couple of those “students” will really set back scientific progress.

Now tell your lab assistant that you’re doing experiments on human adrenaline reactions to stress. That way they’ll think the zombies are actors wearing good makeup.

Step two:

Setup a realistic survivor vs zombie scenario. A good one is the Twinkie run through a quickie mart. For some strange reason come the apocalypse there’s a large portion of survivors that have an irrational need to risk their lives over yellow snack cakes. Don’t get me wrong, I love Twinkies as much as the next evil genius but still, I don’t understand the obsession.

Send your first lab assistant into the “store.” If the zombie runs right toward him punish it using your push button radio controlled “Dog Debarker” you put around the zombies neck.

You did remember to hook it up to the shock collar right?

If you didn’t and your Liberal Arts student just joined the ranks of the infected don’t worry. Go recruit one of their friends.

Now I know what you must be thinking. How can I recruit my former lab assistant’s friend? Won’t they recognize their zombified buddy?

Well of course they will, but that’s okay, just tell Lab Assistant number two that you hired their pal to be a “role player.” They won’t think anything of it. Plus if they try to communicate with their former drinking buddy you can tell them your “role players” are not allowed to break character. It’s truly amazing what college kids will believe.

Okay now that you’ve put the shock collar on the infected and are ready, send in the second “lab assistant.”

Now your zombie is naturally going to run straight toward the college student. So before you lose another lab assistant, shock the daylights out of the zombie. This will temporarily incapacitate the Zed and allow your assistant to escape unscathed.

The student will probably say something like, “Dude that was so freakin’ awesome! How did you make the zombie look so realistic?”

Just smile and say, “Oh I have a friend who used to do makeup for George Romero.”

That line works every time.

So to continue training, send the student back into the test area, each time shocking the zombie as he runs toward his next meal. Keep up this procedure until the zombie doesn’t run toward the human.

In fact if you’re successful the student can walk through the entire scenario with minimal danger. Don’t get too careless though or you might lose another college student.

Don’t ask.

By the time you’re on your third assistant the zombie should be conditioned to stand and wait, not charging out to die in a hail of bullets.

Step Three:

Because of all its hard work, you’re going to need to reward the zombie for his patience. After a few times of leaving the “survivor” alone, take off the shock collar, and send the student into the scenario.

If your training is successful the student will still make it out alive. So now we need to give the infected a reward.

Slap your lab assistant on the back and say. “Good work, just one more test and you’ll be done.”

What he won’t know is you just slapped him on the back with a piece of freshly cooked bacon and a little duct tape. The zombie won’t realize the bacon is there until after it can see the students back. After smelling the bacon the zombie won’t be able to hold it any longer. He’ll charge, knock the student down and tear into him.

Most of your students will be turned at that point, but a few resourceful ones will somehow manage to escape the zombie’s clutches. All you have to do is remember to bar the escape door.

When your assistant screams and pounds his fists on the escape door, don’t give in and open it. Your zombie needs its reward. Don’t feel sad, as an evil genius you can’t feel remorse. Look at it this way, yes you’ll be losing another lab assistant, but you’ll gain a new test subject! It’s win win!

I know what you might be thinking; do I have to worry about missing persons reports? No not if you stick to college students. They skip classes so often that one empty seat won’t be noticed until the end of the semester.

So remember, recruit college students, punish and reward your zombies, and in no time you’ll have an army of trained zombies that will be a force to be reckoned with.

Have a happy Zombie Apocalypse!

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One Response to How to Train Your Zombie

  1. LouisCQ says:

    ;;facepalm:: Oh geez LMAO

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