I was moving in one of those car things. It was dark, I couldn’t see very well, and every part of my little green body ached.
Two people were arguing nearby, their voices sounded like bubbles coming up from deep water. I closed my eyes and let the darkness take me.
I found myself lying in a soft patch of grass looking up at white fluffy clouds. I glanced down and saw I was wearing shorts and a black t-shirt emblazoned with “Vampires Suck!” on the front. It was my very most favorite shirt. My super duper secret agent gear was nowhere to be found.
An elderly goblin with pale green grayish skin and long white braided hair stood nearby. He wore long brown robes and leaned on a gnarled staff.
I sat up, “Who you be?”
He stood there absently chewing on a stalk of grass. His silence annoyed me.
“Am me dead?”
The elderly goblin sat down on a puffy leather recliner that materialized out of thin air. He leaned back and sighed, “Sort of.” His voice was thick and cultured, not like that of any goblin I knew.
“Yeah… you are kind of dead.”
This was getting ridiculous. “You be pullin’ me egg?”
“No no, little one.” As he sat forward, his back made sick popping noises. “Ohhh, did you hear that?”
“What? ‘ear what?”
“My back, it popped. Felt good too.”
“Who in de ‘ells are yous?”
“Now now young goblin, you do not need to get upset.” He sighed and stood up, the expensive furniture winked out of existence. “Come come. There is much to show you.”
He started walking through the grass; he was at least a foot taller than me and could actually see above it.
I followed his footsteps for what seemed like a long time. I found myself surrounded by the tall grass; it was like moving through an endless room with fluffy clouds for sky, and grass for walls. The old goblin wandered around in weaving patterns that made no sense to me.
“Where we’s goin’?”
He stopped and turned around wearing a sneer. “How dare you question your Deity!” He looked around, “I know exactly where we are headed.”
I doubted that, “What be deeitee?”
“It is pronounced Deity, and it means I am your god! So you should show me some respect.”
He didn’t seem like the godly type, but what did I know. “Umm… kay what’s yer name?”
“It is a sin to utter my name! So you can call me, His divine majesty who in great mighty massive glory shall bring to pass the deliverance of all Goblin Kin and smite those who stand in our way to oppress, with much smiting!”
My head began to hurt, “You gots umm, short name?”
“Fine, for a verbal midget like yourself, you can call me, Tim.”
“Yes what’s wrong with Tim? Are you suggesting your Deity does not have a good name?”
“No… I… juss.”
“That’s what I thought.” He looked out across the grassy field. He didn’t know where he was going.
“No Tim the Dashing Divine Deity never gets… okay fine I’m lost.”
I peered at him looking for divinity, I couldn’t see it. “What is yous doing?”
“Look kid I am just messing with you. I am no divine.”
“I am a Goblin, we do those sort of things. Plus you are the first Gob to show up here in Limbo in a long time, I was getting bored.”
I wanted to claw his eyes out and force feed them to him but I decided against it. My mind wandered to the book I had stolen from the SGM. “Hey yous know ‘bout Inkan knives?”
“I be workin’ for dem Monster ‘unters, an…”
“You’re working for Monster Hunters? Pull another one.”
I grabbed his walking stick and tugged at it. He jerked back and smacked me with it. Pain shot through my skull “What you do dat for?”
“My stick!” He said clutching it like it was made of solid gold, “Little Chew Toy, ‘pull another one’ is a figure of speech.”
“Figure speech, wha?”
“Never mind, you are serious that you have been working with Monster Hunters?”
“How did you keep them from shooting you?”
I shrugged, “One o’ dem ‘unter girls like me.”
I nodded again.
“Well Chew Toy, are not you full of surprises?”
“Me name be Chewie.”
The old Goblin chuckled, “You are a pitiful little thing. Actually I happen to know your real name.”
Tim shrugged, “You get to know these things when you are in Limbo.”
“What’s me name?”
“Why should I tell you? You tried to steal Knobby!”
“Knobby? You be namin’ sticks now?”
He pulled the gnarled stick away from me and began whispering to it. “Don’t listen to the little wet eared snot.”
I took a step back from the crazy goblin, “You knows ‘bout dem Inkan knives o’ no?”
He stopped cradling his walking stick and stabbed it into the dirt. The clouds once light and fluffy grew dark and threatening. “Yes, some fool is trying to bring an old pagan god back to life. That is some seriously screwed up shit right there.”
“How should I know, I am just a Limbo worker, I only occasionally talk to the human and Ork Limbo workers in the break room.”
He laughed, “Of course, you don’t think the Union of Other World Entity Employees or UOWEE would allow the gods to work us non-stop do you?”
“Of course they would not! But we are still negotiating on a dental plan.” He smiled revealing a mouthful of nasty yellow teeth.
I shied back, those chomppers looked worse than mine. He chuckled and spit his teeth out into the palm of his hand. He laughed opening and closing his teeth in his hands making biting motions. He made odd growling sounds as he did. He sucked them back into his mouth and cackled.
“What kind o’ ‘piritual guide be yous?” I asked.
“Spiritual Guide? No no Chewie, you have got it all wrong, I am no guide. I am a Limbo tormentor. I am not supposed to help you through Limbo. I make things more difficult. I must confess I love my job.”
I took a step away from him. He took a step forward. We repeated this odd dance for longer than I cared for. Finally I took a step toward him. He moved forward until we were face to face.
“What are you going to do now little pipsqueak?” He asked, his breath smelled like greasy pepperoni pizza.
“Dis!” I yelled grabbing Knobby and running away through the grass.
“Hey come back with that you little fiend!” He pursued me running much faster than he should have been able to in an old body.
I ran through the grass until I saw a twisted looking tree growing out of a pile of black rocks. I scrambled up the rocks and climbed the tree. Finally above the grass I found the tree overhung a deep gorge. I looked down and wondered what happened if one died in Limbo?
A sharp obsidian rock sailed past my ear. “Get down from there you little hooligan!”
I moved further out on the gnarled branch, a fall from here would involve bouncing off rocks on the bottom of the gorge. He threw another rock, I ducked. Nearly losing my balance I managed to snag a branch to keep from falling.
“Knobby! No!” He yelled.
“Oh yous no wants lose stick?” I asked.
“You would not dare!” He said as he picked up another glassy rock.
I held the stick out at arm’s length over the gorge. “Drop dat rock!”
He hesitated and I let the stick slide through my fingers. “No! Okay I am dropping the rock.” He did and I grabbed the stick by the last few inches. “What do you want?”
“First, me name.”
“Fine… you were born with the name Kergorb the Seeker.”
“Hey don’t blame me, your mother named you.”
I only had fuzzy fleeting memories of my mother, all I knew was she was green, fat and loving.
“Now give me Knobby.” He held out his hand.
“No I got’s more demand!”
“I need know bout dem Inkan knives, and dat pagan god.”
“Fine.” He said and he summoned his recliner again. “Wiracocha, is the Incan sun god. From what I have heard he is not a jolly fellow, he is some sort of soul devourer. To gain corporeal form he has to inhabit a host filled with the blood of virgin sacrifices.”
“Oh… dat no good.”
“Of course it is not a good thing. Fred told me that human Limbo has seen a few of those sacrifices lately.”
“Who dis Fred?”
“Oh he is one of the human Limbo tormentors; he was a life insurance salesman.” He held out his hand, “Now give me Knobby.”
“Wait you no be helpin’ where we find dis sacrificin’?”
He rubbed his temples with his long wrinkled fingers, “How should I know, I am stuck in Limbo. Now give me Knobby.”
I held the gnarled stick by the very tip between two fingers.
“Fine, Fred said the sacrifices were made in Machu Pichu! Just don’t drop it!”
A voice pierced the bubble of Limbo from the outside, “Are we losing him?”
“No he’s gonna be fine, these little guys are tough.”
It was Tanya and Marty!
“Darn, looks like your friends are bringing you back.” Tim said as he got off his vanishing recliner. “Knobby if you please.”
“Ma Tee! Tanya!” I yelled hoping they could hear me.
I shrugged and dropped it down the gorge.
“Nooooo!” He yelled as he ran to the edge of the cliff, and watched the stick bounce down the rocks, “You little viral infection, scum sucking, Ork loving communist!”
I stuck my tongue out and blew him a raspberry as Limbo melted away.
“I’ll be waiting for you with something special the next time you die! You hear me Kergorb?”
Limbo was replaced by something much worse, pain and a lot of it. I opened my eyes and saw Marty and Tanya leaning over me.
The Elf girl’s eyes were misty.
“Aww… you be cryin’ fer me?” I asked.
She looked away, embarrassed. “No it’s just dusty in here.”
“Did you find out about the sacrifices? We heard you mumbling something about pagan gods.” Marty asked.
“We goin’ ta Peru. Macho Pikho”
“Don’t you mean Machu Picchu?” Tanya asked.
I nodded and passed out.