Three weeks later I found myself in Alabama working for Monster Hunter International. Non human creatures hadn’t been allowed to wander openly before, due to MCB restrictions, but the big wigs in the company relaxed the restrictions a bit.
I had never known there was this much food in the world. My first time in the company cafeteria they told me I could take anything I wanted, so I took it all! I ate Mashed potatoes, rice, steak, pudding, chili, cherry pie, and three different fruit juices. I experienced something I’d never even thought possible before, indigestion.
I was bathed, scrubbed with smelly soaps, and sponges. It was gross, why would anyone want to mask their scent with sickly sweet pink bubbles?
When I got out of the bath gone was my ratty loin cloth, in its place. Kat had laid out kids clothing. She went to places that sold clothes and bought stuff for me. I had so many shirts and pants to cover my green skin and scars. She tried putting shoes on my feet but none of them fit. They felt tight, and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why the humans insisted on caging their toes.
One of the big Ork women worked on my many scratches and scabs. It hurt; I didn’t like it when she cleaned the latest bite on my ear. I tried to run away but they grabbed me. I won’t go in there again.
I liked working with Milo, the crazy bearded tinkerer. He had the most interesting gadgets. I began helping him by cleaning boom sticks. He worried about me at first but I showed him I could be as good of a tinkerer as he was.
Marty and Katrina were going to get married. I knew they liked each other, he proposed to her after he got up from acting half dead. It was good to see him alive. I thought he might have turned into a vampire and the hunters would have had to chop his head off.
Down in the archives I met other non humans like me. Well not exactly like me, but some Orks, and some elf princess girl, Tanya. She didn’t look like no princess I’d ever seen before. She had a tattoo of a butterfly above her butt I saw when she bent over. She didn’t like me none, calling me a filthy baby Ork.
She was bored; Tanya didn’t like the task they had given her. She said it was boring, that she wanted to go out and face punch monsters. I didn’t believe her, she looked too skinny to do any serious damage punching anything.
“What ya lookin’ at?” I asked her.
She turned and looked down at me with a sneer on an otherwise pretty face. “Some lame Peruvian artifacts.”
I climbed up on the table knocking over a cup of pens and pencils. “Oooh lemme see!”
“Watch it clumsy rat boy.”
“Trail err trash.” I snatched a gold knife off the table; it was ancient, handmade, by artisans long since dead. Its blade went up from the handle and ended in an odd half moon shape.
“Hey put that down, you’re gonna get Ork germs on it.” She tried to grab it but I licked her outstretched hand.
She recoiled wiping my slobber on her shorts. “Oh gross, I can’t believe they let a filthy beast like you in here!”
I ran my fingers over the hilt; it looked like a funny man sitting wearing a round hat. It was gold, with blue green stones inlayed in the eyes and hat. It felt warmer than it should. The elf princess screeched and complained, every time she tried to grab it I’d whip out my tongue. She didn’t want any more of my germs on her.
I felt something stir inside of the odd knife. I put my ear up next to the little gold man. It was making some noises, but I couldn’t hear it over the elf tramp. “Shut yer mouth it’s talkin’”
“I am the princess of the Elves, you don’t tell a princess to shut up!”
“Bah! I cants ‘ear ‘im.” I strained to block out all noise but that of the artifact.
“Wait you said it’s talkin?” She leaned closer to listen.
With her mouth finally shut I could make out its noises.
“Kawsachiway marq’ariway hat’alliway kay qusqaytari chaskiway maypis kaspapis Wirayuchaya.”
“Did you ‘ear dat?” I asked her.
“Hear what? Are you pullin’ my leg?”
“No Chewie no touch yer ‘egg.”
She rubbed her forehead, “No, I’m a diviner. I’ve been workin’ with this stupid knife for two days and you come along and say it’s talkin’ to ya in ten seconds?”
“Umm, yes. What be Wee ra co cha?”
She sighed and rubbed her forehead, “He’s the Incan Sun god. Did it say that to you?”
She snatched the knife back faster than I could lick her. “What else did it say?”
“It still sayin’ it.”
We spent the next half an hour going over what the artifact was saying. I would say one word, then she would get mad when I butchered the pronunciation. She scribbled things on paper and looked in old books. After a long time we finally had a translation.
Let me live,
grasp me in your arms,
hold me in your hands,
receive this offering
wherever you are, my Lord,
She dropped the knife, like it had just burnt her. “Do you know what this is?”
“It’s a sacrificial knife, with a sacrifice still inside!”
“Me no tells you I feels spirit inside?”
She glared at me, “What? You knew that the entire time and ya didn’t tell me?”
I shrugged, “Yous say yous big divider…”
“Whatevers. You no feels dat spirit in dere?”
I grinned showing her a mouth full of pointy teeth. “I know sometin’ da princess don’t knows!”
Her eyes narrowed, “Nevermind that, it sounds like someone has been makin’ sacrifices to the ancient Incan sun god.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
Kat came down the stairs, “Hey Chewie!” She looked at the elf girl and nodded her head, “Oh hiya Tanya.”
The elf girl smiled when she saw Kat. The elf girl liked hunters, especially female hunters. She thought they were bad ass, she was right. “Face punch any monsters lately?”
Kat blushed slightly, “Not since the day we picked up Chewie.” She held out her arms and I leapt into them. “How’s my good boy?”
I snuggled into her chest and gave Tanya a smug look.
“Ugg, how can you love that thing?” The trailer park elf asked.
“I think he’s cute. In an odd skinny green sort of way.” Kat replied as she scratched me behind my ear how I like it.
I closed my eyes. “Yeah right ‘ere.”
“So what are you two working on?”
Tanya explained our discoveries with the Incan sacrificial knife. She made it sound like she had done all the hard work, when all she did was scribble.
Kat sat me down on a stool and looked serious. “Where was the knife recovered?”
Tanya frowned, “Owen bought it at some flea market in Mexico. He thought it looked cool.”
“Sounds like MHI’s next mission.” Kat said with a grin.